Thanksgiving Is Ruined

The Personal is Political. The Political is Personal.

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July 31, 2022
 

 

schemas



Eye Doctor:  Let's try this again.  What color do you see projected on the screen here?


Patient:  Orange.


ED:  No.  It is fuchsia.  [switches slide]  What color do you see now?


P:  Orange.


ED:  No!  It is teal.  [switches slide]  Try again!


P:  Orange.


ED:  Cerulean!  


P:  I see only orange.


ED:  I can see that!  But why, why?  Do you have orange-tinted glasses attached to your face?  [Eye Doctor checks Patient's face.]  No!  What is wrong with your eyes?


P:  Nothing.  Maybe you and everyone else are the ones with the eye problems.  


ED:  Are you messing with me?  Do you maybe actually detect other colors, but just insist on calling them all "orange"?    


P:  Of course not.  Though I can see one other color.


ED:  Aha!  Now we're getting somewhere.  Which color is it?


P:  Cyan-blue.


ED:  Cyan-blue?  Why cyan-blue?


P:   Because cyan-blue is the color that is the exact opposite of orange, on the color wheel.  So I can see it, but only in its relationship as diametrically representing everything that orange is not.  So I can still only really "see" orange.


ED:  But I just don't get it.  The scientists say that there are 18 decillion different colors in the universe!  How on earth is it that you can only see two of them?


P.  Stubbornness.  Tradition.  And practice!  











June 30, 2022
 

 

We've got your file




Yes, we can confirm what you've always suspected.  


We've got your file.  The complete dossier.  On you.  Yes, you.  


Just as you guessed.  Your file contains everything.  Ev-er-y-thing.  All of it.  Even the worst of it.  Going back all the way. From the earliest to, indeed, the absolutely most recent.  And you know exactly what I'm talking about.  You name it.  It's in there.  


Even the stuff that you hoped no one would ever know or find out about. Every embarrassing incident.  Every dumb remark.  Every carefully concealed, venal misdeed.  Every transparent, blame- shifting alibi.  Every screwup.  Hoo boy, it's all right there.  


Your "pants wetting" incident in nursery school?  We all know.


The absolute worst of all your bad teenage hair styles?  We've got the photos.  We've all seen it.  


That love poem you wrote in college?  The one that you burned without even sending?  That one's a doozy.  We've got a copy!  Don't ask us how we got it, but we did.  You kind of knew it all along, didn't you?


As you can see, we have been collecting our info for years. Basically forever.  


Yes, and as you feared also, we've been circulating your file amongst ourselves  Everyone has seen it!   Naturally, your file is even in digital form now.  it's amazing how quickly we can transmit it to wherever it needs to be.  With continual updates!


Every job interview you've gone on?  The interviewer had a copy.


Every first date you've been on?  Your date had your complete dossier, well in advance.  They did a pretty good job of not letting it show, didn't they?


Every new town that you've moved to?  The mayor's office of course was forwarded an updated copy of your file long before you arrived.  It was filtered down to the town council, and to everybody else.  Yes, even to your neighbors!  That is, it was forwarded to them just in case they'd misplaced the updated version that they (and in fact all of us) otherwise receive and review on a regular basis.


Whew.  Aren't you relieved?  We are relieved too, finally to disclose this and tell you. You were right all along.  Your suspicions are confirmed.  


Now that you know, won't this make things a lot easier, going forward?  Won't you have a lot more, extra mental and emotional energy, without any longer having to wonder and worry about whether we all have seen your file?  Of course you will.





However, the real kicker, the true irony of the situation is:  


We have figured out that you have our file too.








May 31, 2022
 

 

clubs



Greeter: Hi, stranger!  Welcome to the monthly meeting of the "We All Agree!" Club.  You look new here.  Is this your first meeting?



Visitor:  Yes!  I got an invitation.  I'm looking forward to it.



G:  Happy to have you. 



V.  It will be so nice to be in a Club where We All Agree.  Not like that last club I was in!  I thought we all agreed, but nobody did.  So much yelling!  In the end, we were at each others' throats.



G:  Well, that won't happen here.  Because We All Agree!  We'll be getting started shortly.



V:  Are you expecting a lot more people tonight?



G:  A few more.  But don't worry - only those with whom We All Agree!



V:  That sounds nice.  But what if some people show up with whom We don't Agree?



G:  We don't let them in, of course.



V:  But what if they're really insistent on getting in and trying to join?  



G:  Then We kick their asses!  Don't you Agree?



V:  I Agree?  I am confused.  How do We know if We Agree with them unless We let them in and talk to them first?



G: I don't understand the question.  If We Agreed with them, then they'd already be in the club.  If they were in the club, then We'd already Agree with them!  Why would they want to come to a meeting of the "We All Agree!" Club unless We All Agree with each other?



V:  I don't know.  Because they're not clear on the "All" part?   



G.  Not clear?  "All" means All!



V.  But does it refer to the "who," to the people We let in?  Or does it refer to All the particular things that We Agree about, the "what"s?  Or instead does it to refer to the "how"s and "why"s that are behind who We are and how We All individually happened to arrive at All that We Agree about?



G:  What's the difference!  You are complicating things.  Did you forget the name of the club?  It's so simple: We All Agree! 



V.  Yes, I saw that on the sign on the door.



G.  Yes!  The "We All Agree!" Club!  



V.  So We will talk about All that tonight? 



G.  All about it!  Though We do find that the more We talk in our Club about All the "what"s, and about All the people who are in the Club and who's out, then We are a lot less likely to get into arguments about the "how"s and the "why"s.  We don't so much get into that.  Works for you?  


 

V:  I think?



G: After all, don't We All Agree?  Since we do, mustn't it be because We are All here -  that We All Agree! -  for the same reasons? 



V:  I guess?








G:  Who invited you, again?









April 30, 2022
 


all hail the oldest new



Neighbor 1:  Happy Sunday morning, Neighbor 2.  What are you up to?



Neighbor 2:  Nothing much.  How about you?



N1:  Oh, I am heading off to gather with my like-minded neighbors to worship our creed, Creed X. Want to come along and join us?



N2:  No thanks.  I am a believer in Creed Y.



N1:  But Creed X is what a lot of people around here believe.  And we have for ages!



N2:   That's fine.  But Creed Y -  although this is little known 'round these parts -  is far older.  My ancestors followed it since long before a "Creed X" even existed.  Likewise, my family and relatives do.  So it's my thing.



N1:  But by arriving after Creed Y, Creed X improved upon it.  Creed X is better.



N2:  How do you know it's "better"?



N1:  Well, look how long it's been around!








 



March 31, 2022
 

 

A and Not-A go mountaineering




A:  Hopefully this is the last time, Not-A, that you and I will ever go mountaineering together.  What an ill-fated adventure.  Our ropes snapped and we fell 7 metres.  Now, had we not landed safely, here on this tree branch, we would have fallen another 700 metres onto the rocks below to certain death.



Not-A:  I hate you.



A:  Be that as it may, I have sent a distress call to the rescue crew.  Their helicopter should be here shortly and we will be saved.



Not-A:  Here is my pocket saw.  



A:  Yes, I can see that.  What are you going to do with it?



Not-A:  I am going to saw away this entire tree branch.



A:  Please don't do that.



Not-A:  You sound opposed to the idea.



A:  Yes, I am opposed to the idea!  Because it is a terrible idea.



Not-A: You sound very, very opposed to the idea.  Therefore I like the idea much more. 



[Not-A begins to saw away at the tree branch.]



A:  If you saw away this tree branch on which we are both sitting, you and I will fall to oblivion.



Not-A:  You sound firmly, implacably opposed to the idea.  Somehow I find that the more you try to convince me that I am wrong about it, the more convinced I become that there must be a way in which it is exactly the right thing to do. 



[Not-A continues to saw away at the branch.]



A:  You are insane!  I am willing to physically fight you unless you stop what you are doing this instant!



Not-A:  Aha! I knew it! You have proven me absolutely right! 



[The branch is nearly sawn away.]



A:  Fine!  Enough!  I can't take it any more!  I have changed my mind!  That's it for me with this life!  Keep sawing!  Just get it over with quickly!  



Not-A:  You sound like you agree with what I am doing. 



[Not-A stops sawing.]



A:  Yes!  I agree!  Please keep going!  End it all!  Plunge us to our dooms!  Goodbye!  Goodbye to everything!  Just let this madness end!



[Not-A throws away the saw.]



Not-A:   Look!  Here is the  helicopter!  The rescue basket has been lowered right next to us!   



[A pause]



Not-A:  Will you climb in with me?  













February 28, 2022
 

 


democracy, mediated



TiR caught, while switching TV channels, a few minutes of the new cable talk show, "Children at Dinner Should Eat Their Vegetables."


The host was speaking to a guest commentator, Billie, via Zoom.



Host: Do you agree that children at dinner should eat their vegetables?


Billie:  I am five.  I have a pet.  He is a frog!


Host:  What do the constituents that you represent say about the yummy vegetables that they agree to eat at dinner?


Billie:  Candy!


Host:  Yes, however before possibly eating a very small amount of candy for dessert,  and only after you are very good and eat all your vegetables, tell us: Which vegetables do you think are the best ones to make you grow up big and strong, which you agree to eat at dinner?


Billie:  Candy!!


Host:  That is a very interesting perspective.  Do you have any scientific studies or research to support your position?  Do you have any professional credentials or advanced degrees in pediatric nutrition, dietetics or child development?


Billy:  My frog's name is Speckles.


Host:  Thank you.  Now, let's go to the call-in portion of our show.  We have the results of our on-line poll.  We got an overwhelming response.  We now bring in by phone a representative caller to explain the most popular answer to our poll question:  "Before perhaps eating a very small amount of candy for dessert, which yummy vegetables should children eat first at dinner?" Hello?
















Caller:  CANDY!!











January 31, 2022
 

 

breaking tradition




One morning, a recently hired village baker opened the shutters of his shop window.  He saw a mob of angry villagers converging on his bakery.  They were carrying pitchforks and flaming torches.


The village baker swaggered forth.


"Good morning, villagers!"


A first villager spoke up.


"Good morning, my foot!  We have had it with you!  We have figured out that you have been diluting your bread flour with sawdust!  And gravel!  My baby ate some of your bread and got sick.  What the devil kind of a baker are you?!"


The baker responded.  "A new kind!  I am no regular, ordinary village baker. I am here as a disruptor of the old routines. I  introduce a new paradigm. The usual rules don't apply to me. You should not even think of me as a 'baker.'  I offer an entirely re-envisioned and enhanced baked goods experience."  


A second villager roared.  "You will experience my boot enhancing your backsides!  I figured out that you are the one who has been stealing the planks from my fence and the side of my barn in the night.  You use them as firewood for your bread-baking ovens. My livestock got loose, wandered into the river and drowned!  We all want you out!"


The baker shot back.  "I am teaching you to innovate!  I move fast and bring change and surprise.  Can't you put aside your respected, traditional ways of doing things?  Your 'time tested' methods?  Why should you not give up how things have always been done?  I am shaking up the incumbent players.  You must adapt!"


A third villager spoke up, brandishing a club.  "This club is going to adapt the shape of your head!  On top of it all, we discovered that, to force us to eat your rotten bread, you have been poisoning our vegetable gardens and secretly chopping down our orchard trees."


A fourth villager chimed in. "Enough!  No more talk!  Grab the scoundrel!"


A fifth villager: "We will tar and feather him in the village square then run him out of town tied backwards to the underside of our stinkiest donkey!"


The baker shouted:  "Wait! I have only one question for you all!  Have you ever in the whole history of your village done such a thing before as punishment to any of your bakers?"


The enraged villagers shouted back in unison, "Never!"  They closed in.


The baker's yelps could be heard above the mob. 


"Stop!  You have never done such a thing before in the whole history of your village as punishment to any of your bakers!  Why innovate?  Why disrupt your old routines with a new paradigm?  Why give up how things have always been done? What about your respected traditions?  Your time-tested methods?  Don't your usual rules apply to me? Think of me as just a regular, ordinary village baker!  Hey!  Help!  Put me down!!"










December 31, 2021
 

 

The Confused Exhibitionism Two-Step


Exhibitionist:  Look at me!

Spectator: [does not look, is oblivious]

Exhibitionist:  Look at me!!

Spectator:  [continues not to look, is indifferent]

Exhibitionist: Look at me, dammit! 


[Exhibitionist hits the Spectator over the head, grabs the Spectator and throws them on the floor.]

Spectator:  [looking at the Exhibitionist]  What the hell's your problem?

Exhibitionist:  Don't look at me!  How dare you look at me!  Why are you looking at me!? What the hell's YOUR problem?  You sicko! Pervert! Weirdo! 










November 25, 2021
 

 


Three *Strategies Towards a Less Ruined Thanksgiving



1)     The Contrast Enhancement Strategy


Make it so that every day other than Thanksgiving appears to be far, far more ruined.



2)     The Accelerationist Strategy


Speed up the rotation of the Earth.  


Thanksgiving will be ruined, but shorter.



3) The Digital Secessionist Strategy


Thanksgiving is never ruined - in the Meta - verse.


                                                                                     








                                                                               *(FUTILE)










October 31, 2021
 

 


surveillance cameras might help



TiR's neighbor insists on having a nice, hot cup of tea immediately at the ready upon their return home in the evening.


So every morning, Neighbor fills the kettle with water, puts the kettle on the fire, then leaves for the day.


Neighbor returns home every evening to find all the water GONE.


Neighbor demands to know: Who in the neighborhood breaks in every day while I am out to steal all the water??


Some months ago, Neighbor hired a pricey, heavily armed security team to stand guard around the kettle during the day to watch it. 


The water continues to vanish, every day.  Every evening, the team assures Neighbor that in his absence absolutely no one had entered the premises to steal the water.  


The security team has generously offered that, if Neighbor would renew their contract for another six months, the team happily would stay on and continue to guard the kettle, to be totally secure about the situation.  


Neighbor will do so.  However, Neighbor is no fool.  


Neighbor plans to hire a second, even pricier and better armed security team to keep an eye on the first team.