Thanksgiving Is Ruined

The Personal is Political. The Political is Personal.

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December 13, 2006
TiR advice column: "Let's submerge!" edition

Among the frequent, random e-mails from strangers who seek advice that we receive here at TiR, a very common question is:

Hey Thanksgiving is Ruined, I often feel lately like I would like to spend the next year underwater. What's the best way you can recommend for me to go about doing that?

Maybe we receive this query because our readers somehow can sense that we've pondered, brooded about and researched this question many, oh so many times. Here are a few possibilities, although unfortunately none of them are very reassuring:

  • live in a Russian scientific submarine laying out seismic arrays in an oceanic trench

  • try to raise the Titanic
    or relocate to some other salvage operation. This option highlights the reality that it is difficult to find a way to spend all 8760 hours of the year underwater consecutively, as would of course be preferable.

  • be a soya-bean protein plastic bag with silane and polyphosphate fillers

  • be a Maro Reef Surface Temperature Recorder

  • be Godzilla
    (then you could spend 6000 years underwater, which would be best)

Note, however, that spending a year "underwater" is not the same thing as spending a year "below    sea     level," which presents its own not inconsiderable challenges but is somewhat easier.

[update 1/11/07: Within hours of the above post, the keen and insidious intelligence behind Speedbird e-mailed to note that the best submersive option of all might be to join the Great Old Ones "in the mighty city of R'lyeh under the waters."

Tenancy there seems to be long term. Its duration, apparently (or "hopefully," at least for non-R'lyehians) is guaranteed for an unspecified number of eons or until the stars are "ready" or "right" and the great priest, the Dread Cthulhu, calls.

After then, you can resurface and help to destroy humanity, or at least to "teach [humankind] new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth [will] flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom."

Enthusiasts for the New Submersivism might agree that the aforementioned would have to constitute a twofer.]