Business page dispatches from a possibly stupid future
The valuation of the digital platform FailApp has just reached "unicorn" status.
The app sends subscribers a periodic reminder with suggestions on how they can royally screw up their lives, careers, living situations, personal relationships or health.
The business model draws on market research data which shows that usually the only real way to get over the remorse and heartbreak of an old loss, fail, self-sabotage or epically boneheaded maneuver is to suffer a brand new one.
However, If circumstances and one's own habitual but accidentally dumb choices won't arrange such a catastrophe for you, the app's developers believe, then it's helpful to take charge and engineer one yourself.
Therefore, after gathering your personal data, FailApp will send creative recommendations about how to make a total goddamned mess of various aspects of your life, on a periodic schedule, pushed by subscription to your smart phone.
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Behind-the-scenes work continues between an unnamed ad agency and a healthcare products company, to develop a toothpaste that leaves a long-lasting and prominent but temporary corporate or product logo on the user's front teeth, in exchange for cash rewards.
The "Make Money with Every Smile" campaign, to rent out ad space or "monetize one's mouth," will launch soon.
It is expected to be very popular with the broke, desperate and entrepreneurial who still have teeth.
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Hubble scrambles the zodiac
The field of professional astrology is in turmoil, as the numerous, new stars now made "visible" by the powerful Space Telescope have caused the traditional zodiac system to be redrawn.
According to sources, a draft list of renamed, "true" astrological signs is soon to be released. These better reflect the shapes of the creatures suggested by the newly visible heavenly patterns.
Some astrologists believe the new signs to reflect more accurately the personalities of the people born under their sway.
The new signs include:
- The Sloth
- The Kelp
- The "Hey, Could You Check Out This Weird, New Red Mark On My Skin and Tell Me What The Hell You Think It May Have Been That Bit Me Overnight?"
- Oleaginous Hemispingus (Sphenopsis frontalis)
- Roadkill
posted by TiR at 7:01 AM
