We've got your file
Yes, we can confirm what you've always suspected.
We've got your file. The complete dossier. On you. Yes, you.
Just as you guessed. Your file contains everything. Ev-er-y-thing. All of it. Even the worst of it. Going back all the way. From the earliest to, indeed, the absolutely most recent. And you know exactly what I'm talking about. You name it. It's in there.
Even the stuff that you hoped no one would ever know or find out about. Every embarrassing incident. Every dumb remark. Every carefully concealed, venal misdeed. Every transparent, blame- shifting alibi. Every screwup. Hoo boy, it's all right there.
Your "pants wetting" incident in nursery school? We all know.
The absolute worst of all your bad teenage hair styles? We've got the photos. We've all seen it.
That love poem you wrote in college? The one that you burned without even sending? That one's a doozy. We've got a copy! Don't ask us how we got it, but we did. You kind of knew it all along, didn't you?
As you can see, we have been collecting our info for years. Basically forever.
Yes, and as you feared also, we've been circulating your file amongst ourselves Everyone has seen it! Naturally, your file is even in digital form now. it's amazing how quickly we can transmit it to wherever it needs to be. With continual updates!
Every job interview you've gone on? The interviewer had a copy.
Every first date you've been on? Your date had your complete dossier, well in advance. They did a pretty good job of not letting it show, didn't they?
Every new town that you've moved to? The mayor's office of course was forwarded an updated copy of your file long before you arrived. It was filtered down to the town council, and to everybody else. Yes, even to your neighbors! That is, it was forwarded to them just in case they'd misplaced the updated version that they (and in fact all of us) otherwise receive and review on a regular basis.
Whew. Aren't you relieved? We are relieved too, finally to disclose this and tell you. You were right all along. Your suspicions are confirmed.
Now that you know, won't this make things a lot easier, going forward? Won't you have a lot more, extra mental and emotional energy, without any longer having to wonder and worry about whether we all have seen your file? Of course you will.
However, the real kicker, the true irony of the situation is:
We have figured out that you have our file too.
posted by TiR at 7:01 AM
